Most couples who come to therapy can describe their argument. Not an argument - the argument. It has a shape they both recognise, it starts somewhere trivial, it arrives somewhere familiar, and they could probably perform each other's lines.
What surprises people is how little the subject matters. The washing up, the in-laws, the money, the phone at dinner. Change the subject and the argument survives intact, because the structure underneath it has not moved.
Both approaches on this page work on that structure rather than on the subject.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
EFT starts from the idea that most recurring conflict is an attachment problem wearing a practical disguise.
Underneath the argument about the dishes there is usually a question neither person is asking directly: do I matter to you? Or: will you be there if I need you? Because the question is not asked directly, it gets asked through the dishes - and because the dishes are what gets discussed, the answer never lands.
The cycle. Most couples fall into one of a few patterns, and the most common is pursue–withdraw. One person escalates in order to get a response; the other shuts down in order to stop the escalation. Each behaviour makes the other more likely. Neither person is doing anything unreasonable from inside their own experience, and the pattern consumes the relationship regardless.
What the work involves. First, identifying the cycle and naming it - which frequently changes the temperature by itself, because the problem stops being you and becomes this thing we do. Then, slowing the exchange enough for each person to hear the question underneath the other's complaint, and to answer that instead.
EFT tends to suit couples where there is still warmth but conversation has become dangerous, and couples caught in a pattern they can both see and neither can stop.
The Gottman Method
Where EFT works on the emotional bond, the Gottman Method is more structured and more behavioural. It comes out of several decades of research observing couples directly, and it focuses on what actually happens during conflict.
The four behaviours that predict damage.
1- Criticism - a statement about character rather than about behaviour.
2- Defensiveness - the natural response to a charge, and also a refusal.
3- Contempt - sarcasm, eye-rolling, the small sneer; the most corrosive of the four, because it signals that one partner has stopped seeing the other as an equal.
4- Stonewalling - withdrawal, which is usually overwhelm rather than indifference but reads as abandonment.
Perpetual problems. A substantial amount of conflict in any long relationship is not solvable. It comes from differences in personality, upbringing and what each person needs. Couples who do well are not the ones who resolved these things; they are the ones who found a way to have the conversation with one another.
What the work involves. Recognising which of the four behaviours you each default to, building repair attempts that actually work, and working on the parts of the relationship outside conflict - because the research consistently suggests that what happens when you aren’t in conflict predictsmore about the relationship than what happens when you are fighting.
Gottman tends to suit couples who prefer structure, and those who want to understand what is happening rather than only to feel differently.
Which one
This is not usually a decision you make in advance.
Your therapist will discuss it with you, and in practice a lot of work draws on both - Gottman's framework for what is happening in conflict, EFT's for what is underneath it.
What matters more than the method is whether both of you feel the therapist is fair. Couples therapy fails most often when one partner concludes the therapist has taken a side.
Who you would work with
Moni El Ramlawy, MA - EFT and Gottman Method. Sessions in Arabic and English. Dr Nardus Saayman, PhD - clinical psychologist, couples work.
Meet the team →
When couples therapy is not the right answer
Worth saying plainly.
Where there is abuse - physical, or coercive control - couples therapy is not appropriate and can make things more dangerous, because it asks both people to be open in a situation where that is not safe for one of them. If that is your situation, individual support and specialist services are the right route. Tell us at first contact and we will point you toward the right place.
Where one person has already decided to leave and is attending to soften the ending. That is a legitimate thing to need, but it is a different piece of work and it is better named than discovered.
Where only one of you wants to be there. This is workable, but not indefinitely. If one partner is attending under protest, that usually needs addressing before anything else can happen.
Common questions
Can I come alone to work on my relationship? Yes, and it is more effective than people assume. These patterns are circular - pursuing less tends to reduce withdrawal, and replacing a criticism with a complaint changes what comes back. One person can change one side of a pattern that requires both to maintain.
How many sessions will we need? It varies, and anyone who gives you a number before meeting you is guessing. What is reasonable is to ask in your first session what your therapist expects the shape of the work to be, and to review it as you go.
We argue about the same thing every time. Is that a bad sign? No - it is the norm. Most conflict in long relationships is perpetual and stems from stable differences that do not resolve. What predicts how a relationship does is not the number of arguments but what happens inside them.
What if we speak different languages? Moni works in Arabic and English. Across the wider team we work in five languages, and where a couple is more comfortable in different languages that is something to raise at first contact rather than work around silently.
Does the therapist take sides? No, and if it feels that way, say so in the session - it is important information and a good therapist will want to hear it.
Getting in touch
If one of you has been suggesting this for a while and the other has been resisting, that is how most couples arrive.
WhatsApp +971 58 557 6220, email info@clearmindscenter.com, or use the contact form.
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