Why “Don’t Go To Bed Angry” Could Be Harmful Relationship Advice

This article has been researched and written by Moni El Ramlawy. AI has not been used in producing this article.

One of the common things I hear among couples I work with is how no matter what they go through, they never go to bed angry with one another. When I ask them “how does it feel as they wake up”, here are some of the answers I get – uncomfortable, confused, resentful, unheard, unseen, misunderstood, dismissed, etc.

The phrase “Don’t go to bed angry ” is a widely cited piece of relationship advice that has been passed down through generations. It sounds wise, but it often creates more pressure than peace. I heard it myself and followed it by heart. It never sat well with me, and after going through it, studying couples therapy, and working with couples from many walks in life, here is why is doesn’t work!

• Pressure instead of repair: Forcing a resolution at night when you’re both emotionally flooded, triggered, and exhausted will only lead to more escalation, not less.
• Rest matters: When you get sufficient sleep when your mind and body need it, you can regulate your emotions better and therefore, better able to express your emotions and more open to receive from your partner.
• Surface-fix: When you force a “ resolution ” late at night when you’re exhausted, you rush into “ making up ” which is often a surface-fix rather than a real repair that addresses your underlying emotions and needs.

What to do instead?

• Communicate care while setting a boundary: It’s okay to say, “I love you and I really want us to find a way through this, but we are both tired and emotional, so I want us to continue when we are calmer, how about we get some sleep and revisit this tomorrow?” This gives your partner reassurance that you’re not leaving the conversation because you don’t care, but because you’re protecting your relationship.
• Set a time to revisit: Ask your partner when a good time for them would be to talk the next day – after work tomorrow, over coffee/dinner? Agree on a time. Regulate first, then sleep: Take time to calm down your nervous system individually before going to sleep. Try journaling, deep breathing, or having a short walk.

The goal is not to repair quickly or to “never go to bed angry”, it’s to make sure repair and understanding happens in a safe way.

Moni El Ramlawy

Counseling Psychologist