Validating, Not Fixing: Helping Young Children Feel Seen and Understood

This article has been researched and written by Dalea Alawar. AI has not been used in producing this article.

When a child cries or gets frustrated, an adult can be quick to say, “Don’t be sad” or “It’s not a big deal”, in a caring attempt to make the child’s uncomfortable feeling go away. Despite the good intention, in the long run, this teaches the child that uncomfortable emotions should be avoided or suppressed. A helpful approach would be to validate the child’s emotions. This helps the child feel understood and it communicates that it is okay to experience any emotion.

What is validation?

It is the act of acknowledging a child’s emotional experience and allowing it to occur without judging it or needing to change it. It can sound like, “You are sad that your toy broke because you really like this toy ”, or “You wanted to keep playing, and it’s hard to stop when you are having fun ”. You are not trying to fix the situation; you are simply showing the child that their emotions make sense.

Why is this important?

For children, emotions feel confusing and often overwhelming. They rely on adults in their life to help them make sense of what they are feeling, and why. When an adult can validate their emotional experience, the child learns that emotions are safe to experience, even if they are uncomfortable. Over time, this teaches them how to regulate their own emotions, it builds a sense of trust between child and adult, and it allows for self-worth to build.

What if they act in inappropriate ways when expressing an emotion?

For example, the child who hits someone when they are angry. Validating an emotion does not mean accepting a behavior. Children are learning how to appropriately express their emotions, and so they need guidance on how to do so. In this situation, a helpful statement can be, “It is okay to feel angry because he took your toy, but it is not okay to hit him. Let us find another way to express your anger ”. After setting the limit, guide the child toward safer alternatives, like squeezing a pillow, stomping their feet, or using words. Once the child has calmed, revisit what happened: help them name the feeling, understand what triggered it, and practice expressing it differently next time.

How to Practice Validation

• Pause before reacting. Take a moment before correcting a behavior or trying to solve the problem. This allows you to try to understand what happened and why the child is feeling a certain way, so you can effectively validate.
• Name the feeling. Use simple language: “You look disappointed, ” or “You seem angry that it’ s bedtime.”
• Show calm presence. Children co-regulate through your tone, body language, and steady attention (and not so much your words!). Your calm helps them find theirs.
• Resist the urge to distract. Distraction can temporarily stop a tantrum, but it doesn’t teach understanding. Instead, stay with the feeling until it naturally settles.
• Offer comfort, not correction. A hug, gentle touch, or quiet reassurance tells the child that emotions can be safely felt and soothed.

What is the Long-Term Impact of Validation?

Children who grow up feeling validated develop a stronger emotional awareness and empathy towards themselves and others. They learn to identify what they feel, express it appropriately, and extend the same understanding to others. This allows for healthy and fulfilling relationships with themselves and with others.

Of course, to genuinely teach a child that all feelings are welcome, the adult must believe it themselves! This is an opportunity for the adult to do their own work regarding their relationship to their feelings, which can effectively be done in the context of individual child therapy.

Dalea Alawar

Clinical Psychologist